The last two years have been tough. I always thought once I had a diagnosis and we knew what we were fighting, things would be easier but life isn’t like that. One hurdle is jumped and others appear in front of you. It doesn’t feel as if there is time to stop or rest, you just have to continue. Not stopping until you become so exhausted and end of tether is not good for anyone whether you are a spoonie, carer or someone juggling many commitments. Running on adrenaline, dealing with too many stressful situations with a limited support network has led to depression taking hold in the family and from an outsider that is harder to deal with, more isolating than any physical challenges I have experienced. Finding the glimmer of light that things could get better in the darkest moments seem as unlikely as finding the needle in a haystack.
An impromptu visit to the seaside over the weekend may have changed that. Away from home, to do lists and expectations we sat, breathed in the sea air and just talked about nothing. The ebb and flow of the waves and coastal sounds and smells were calming. It gives the mind head space to realise there is time to sit, rest and appreciate just being. It provides that hope that is sometimes missing.
A pledge was made to come to the sea at least twice a week to just be. If we can find a cafe nearby that sells a proper cup of tea or mug of Horlicks, it will be perfect. It is time to have a routine of our own that will fit our spoonie lifestyle rather than look back longingly at what we used to do or look begrudgingly at our present and be frustrated at the lack of resemblance it has to the future we imagined. I can’t promise I can go for walks, have date nights etc but even on low spoon days we can watch the sea and be for a while. On good days we can stumble over the beach to collect shells/pebbles or whizz along the harbour. On bad ones, we can watch the waves in the warmth of the car.
Before we moved near the coast we assumed the sea would play a big part of our lives. We have let life distract us from what we have on our doorstep. Now we are going to try and let the sea do it’s job, appreciate it and let it calm us, revitalise our souls to help us deal with what life throws at us.