For years, as for many Spoonies and people with chronic conditions, a good night night sleep has been elusive. I count myself lucky if I have 4 hours straight. I struggle to get to sleep despite my body screaming for it all day and my eyes quite happily dozing on the sofa half an hour before. When I do drift off it is only a couple of hours before my brain cell wakes up whirling with ideas and thoughts. I can have brain fog all day but at 3 in the morning, it can remember all the things it has forgot to do, which need to be added to the neverending to-do list as well as planning all the things I could do. It has the knack of forgetting the body it is controlling (or attempting to) as it brims with enthusiasm for finishing degree and training to be something. It is indoctrinated with the philosophy of Mind over Matter so it thinks it can change the world. This idea is immediately shelved by the time by the time I am up and dressed. My brain cell retreats back into it’s fog like state for the rest of the day.
When I was off my magic yellows for tests, I discovered the joy of a goodnight sleep again. Browsing through my draft folder I stumbled on this from that time:
“For the last 2 nights,I have slept!!!! Whoohoo 😊 if I could I would have jumped up and down with excitement as well as dance around the kitchen to Chris Evans’. It wasn’t just I slept through the night and more than 4 hours, I woke up refreshed. It was an amazing feeling! I felt awake and my brain was alert. I felt human. I didn’t even mind, I had spent the night, in my dreams, trying to convince my family they needed to collect the potatoes I had deserted at the top of a steep hill because they were too heavy. It was all down to being off my yellow ones.”
Now as I am lying here with a snoozing dog and snoring husband next to me , I want to experience that again. I may not be turning into a pretzel as much but I miss that pleasure of a good night’s sleep and the wide awake feeling when everyone else can see it.